The girl code.
There is something about making friends past the age of 25 that makes my skin crawl. I have been saying since I was 18 that I don’t make friends and I don’t know how. I also never tried due to no one ever making the cut as far as what I think the standards of loyalty and honesty is.
Now, I have a few friends that I have known since I was 10,12 and 20…. So I’m not as crazy as I thought I was however, why are those the only lasting relationships I have? There is (in my opinion) a code that you should live by when building relationships with new women. I’m telling you “The Girl Code” is the unwritten realistic way of building relationships that will last (I’m speaking from experience).
First, you have to be realistic with yourself. What are your own personal beliefs? What is your definition of love and loyalty? Ask yourself what are you looking for in a friendship? Me personally I was looking for women that could push me to be better; women who wouldn’t judge me due to my past mistakes and short comings. I wanted some people in my corner that had goals and dreams and actually were working to accomplish them! I wanted women who prayed and still would ride out with me (Lol). Trust is big as well. I want to know that if I call you with tears in my eyes because of something personal that this wouldn’t be the word on the street moments later. I want honesty and accountability because, I fall short a lot and it’s ok to gracefully say sis… nah. Originally I felt this was too much pressure to put on another woman. You know some people would be like “I’m not your man”! It wasn’t until two years ago I realized that those weren’t the right ones. If I know that I can be all those things to someone then why can’t someone be those things for me? I understand that you aren’t my “man” but, does that mean that the level of loyalty and love is less than? No.
After you figure out what the definition of friendship means to you, you prepare yourself to be the proper friend to someone else. What does this mean? Well remember all of the things I mentioned earlier… (Respect, Loyalty, Love, Support and, Confidentiality) can you give it? You have to be in the place where you’re able to dish those things that you’re so willing to take! I know for a fact that I wasn’t ready to take on any new friends a few years ago. I didn’t care about anyone else except the very small select few individuals that I had established relationships with already. I had met so many people and I tried to like them but, I just kept screaming No New Friends. I constantly questioned the intentions of these new people that liked me so much because, it can’t be real. I’m not sorry to say that the group of people I’m referring to didn’t make the cut. It wasn’t until after I had swallowed my pride and said, OK I’ll give it a try, I was hurt and came back to the conclusion that I hate people. I came out of that when I cleaned house, blocked some numbers and, joined Pinky Promise Detroit.
After you complete steps 1&2, you have to step out of your comfort zone. In order to meet people, put yourself in the environment in which you can. Duh right? Wrong, many people think that just going to work or school is how you solve your issues with meeting others. I can tell you right now that I have worked since I was 18 and I haven’t met more than 2 people that I may keep in contact with from time to time (aside from the very special few that made the cut). What about school? Yeah right. If I knew you in high school chances are we don’t speak now. No beef or bad blood but, you out grow those people. I really strongly agree that when you grow into your adult self you have to get around others with similar interest. If you don’t you’ll start to water down the friendship and it will die.
**You have to go to events and things that interest you. Beauty and Fashion summits… Join a book club… Join Christian groups… go to church… work out classes… go to the park with your kids on a regular basis… Talk to your next door neighbor! **
Let me tell you a story about a friend I made after age 25.
In December 2015 I emailed the leader of Pinky Promise Detroit and said something along the lines of “Hi my name is Courtney and I was interested in coming to a meeting. I don’t really have many friends and I want to be around women who are positive but I don’t like people. I do not like drama and usually girls are catty.” She welcomed me and said “Trust me that’s not what this group is like at all; come and you’ll see. We would love to meet you!” I was like Jesus she’s too nice and they are going to judge me for being a hoochie! I’m shacked up willingly, I just had a baby last year out of wedlock and I don’t go to nobody’s church. We went to the Hard Rock Café and it was a wide range of women there. We talked and I was guarded but, I shared a little about myself and gave a few girls my number. Over time I kid you not the relationship just got stronger… but, not until I completely broke down. When I found out that I was pregnant with my youngest diva I was scared to death to share that with anyone. I went months hiding it and that was because I seriously didn’t follow the code. Caring about being judged, not really being ready for another child, not being sure if he even loved me anymore- I was so down. I needed friends. Please believe my best friend was there for me but, I didn’t even want to share it with her… I already put too much on her (and she better understand that won’t change lol!).
One thing when you are being or looking for a friend that no judgement aspect is a must! Since I had been through that so many times before and because I was still so guarded (and because I had broken what PPD stands for honoring God with your body) I was like “oh they gone kick me out!”. I reached out to the leader again and told her what was going on. She first fussed at me for hiding it and then she gracefully held me accountable for my actions. I have never in my life been so gently checked in Jesus name lol. She told me something that I will never forgot, she told me to understand that she is my friend and that she loves me genuinely and that I should take a deep breath and forgive myself. I was so worried about what the heck everyone was going to say that I had made it halfway through the pregnancy without sharing this news with anyone and didn’t even start to grow a belly until I was 26 weeks. After that she had me come to brunch with her. We talked face to face and she said, “tell me what’s going on”. I felt so calm when I spoke to her like it was ok to share. I didn’t once get the vibe that she was going to tell my business and the fact that I never got one side eye or a “we heard about you” from any other group member made me trust her so much more. Due to the fact she was such a good person to me I wanted to be a good person to her that much more.
What is the code?
In that story you see that this was one sided at first. She was there for me so much and I felt like man, I have to change that because she needs to understand that I’m here for her too so I referred to the code. The way I am with my bff’s I applied that to the rest of the girls I felt were compatible with me. I was a shoulder, an ear, loyal, I will support in any way I can even if it’s just cash app related. Your secret is now My secret and Your Goals are now My Goals. If you can’t find the words then I will take them right out of your mouth and yell them for you. I will keep you on track and let you know that your makeup is not blended at all and that you should change deodorants. Most importantly I just realized this on the first of this year that I can be a better friend by simply asking “What do you need from me?”
I now have a team here and that is because my mindset is to love and be loved. No, my wall around me is not completely flattened but, Thank God I can discern who is with me and who is not. Even if I can’t tell right away I know how to give people the axe.
I’m 28 years old and I have met and became real friends with 8 new women in the last 2 years. Like wake up at 5 am and pray together over the phone friends. A friend who is running a marathon an now we are doing that together because she is not alone. A friend who had a whole YouTube channel and tried to hide it from me! Now I tell everyone about her because she so beautiful and kind. I have friends who want to tighten up that budget, so we are all on the grind and plan to save!
The last rule of the girl code is to be ready to apologize and forgive. That is so important in any relationship but especially in relationships with your girlfriends because, women don’t uplift each other enough! It can get so competitive and ugly it goes left so abruptly. Everyone that makes a mistake doesn’t deserve to be left in 2017 so use your gut. You must understand that you will not ALWAYS agree and see eye to eye on everything (that’s ok). That’s where the honesty and respect come into play. You be honest enough to let that person know how you feel and respect them enough to disagree and not love them any less. It’s simple.
** In the evet that you do grow apart from someone that you once were close with the loyalty factor still plays a part. We will not be messy and chatty in 2018! We will continue to keep those things spoken in confidence a secret and we will not bash another woman. If that person hurt or betrayed you in any way, you forgive and block. That is the simplest and mort effective way to get rid a bad situation. I have a block list about 20 people long and I’m not ashamed of that. Sometimes things just don’t work out and that is ok. I don’t speak on those people anymore (that took a minute I wasn’t always like this) and I’ve apologized to some people who deserved one from me! I didn’t do it because I want to rebuild I did it because they didn’t deserve some of the things I said or did. Growth in womanhood is tough but it’s worth it. **
I wish you nothing but the best in your journey to finding purposeful and meaningful friendships. Remember, it is possible to find real friends after high school and college! Be real and real will be returned unto you… if not gracefully block them and enjoy your life!
Love and Peace