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  • Courtney Bowie

Mommy Guilt

When I got pregnant with my son I was working a job where I had to clock 50-55 hours a week.

I had worked that job a little over a year and althought the money was good, I struggled to be the mom I wanted to be.

I was missing things like parent teacher conferences.. couldn't really get Dill into any after school programs because, I wouldn't make it home until about 7pm or later. I was literally dreading the idea of me having another baby and going through all of that with him.

Now I was torn because I felt two ways:

A) I was about to give up my independnce that I busted my butt to obtain.

B) I was going to keep my job and miss out on all of the things that mothers aren't suppose to miss.

Both decisions made me sick- I didn't want to make the choice but, time was winding down.

So, I went on leave and had a converation with my kids dad.. we both agreed that me working wasn't going to help.

As much as it cost for daycare I would've literally been working to pay that 1k a month. Furthermore, I was so sick thinking of putting my baby that couldn't walk, talk, potty or, defend himself in the care of someone other then family. I stayed home... That sucked too.

As you can see I had a very hard time looking at the glass as half full during this period of my life.

I was home, not making a dime, looking at the same four walls, feeling guilty if I used to much gas driving because that could be used for something more important... new baby was crying allllllllllllll the time and that was the worst. I lived so far away from everyone I cared for and, I never ever ever seen them so, I was angry.

Two years later I found out that I was expecting another child (and I wasn't ready at all).

This time I decided that I was going to go to work. I was about 3 months pregnant on the internet like never before. I had a prayer journal and wrote that I needed a job that was 9-5 so that I would be able to care for my kids as well. It was about noon one day at the end of March when I got a call for a job that I didn't even apply for.** I dare you to say that wasn't God**

I knew that something major was about to happen in my life off of that alone. I went to the interview and I was worried because I didn't know if I should tell them that I was expecting; So I didn't.

I needed a job and, I wanted to contribute to my family. I got the call three days later that I had been hired as the Supervisor at a Bank! (I had no banking experience at all and I was hired for a full time position)

I actually screamed when I got the news because I was so happy for myself.

I started working May 2nd 2016. Because I was pregnant I felt like I had to go hard. I made sure I didn't miss a day. I made sure I was on time. I made sure that my personal life didn't interfer with what was happening when I clocked in.

I was so determined to make it work that I forgot that I was pregnant.

My check (like I figured) went mostly to daycare both Dill and Tj needed it for the summer. This pregnancy was moving right along and I had no time to save for this FMLA leave. Right when I was getting use to things they were about to change again.

Two weeks before delivery- I decided to go sit down.

---Note to all mothers out there listen to your body. It will tell you when you've had enough!

During this time, I still couldn't relax. It was so much to be done before the baby. Not to mention I still felt like I wasn't helping at home enough. I stopped cooking, laundry was everywhere and I wasn't balancing well.

Now, new mother of 3 and just 6 weeks after Lyric was born (still not balancing the scale well) I was back at work. I really don't think my stitches were healed all the way before I clocked in. I kept feeling like I had something to prove. I really wasn't getting the support that I needed after this baby. That forced me to make it work best way I knew how. I had to drive from Roseville MI to Redford and back to Sterling Heights to make sure Lyric was cared for and I made it to work on time. I got off work got the big kids and went back to Redford to get Lyric and then back home to Roseville. Some days I was just so tired I stayed at my grandma's house. (did I mention I was nursing too!)

Daycare soon was the answer for Lyric. She would be along side her brother at the same place and I trusted them. This is still the part that sucks though. Do I stay full time? Do I go pt and cut back financially somewhere so that the kids can see more of me?

Do I go back to being a stay at home mom? It was just never right for me and I felt so bad for making my children go to daycare for 9 hours out of the day.

I don't know much about Mommy guilt but, I do know I have it super bad.

I can't buy gum without feeling like awwww you better just save the kids a piece at least.

So a year and some change later I'm still working.. Lots has changed since I've given birth like I can't quit yet because, I pay all the bill at home now (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! lol).

I had to find out what works for me and so far Latchkey and daycare is my friend. If the people in charge step out of line I check it QUICK!

I use the crockpot and we eat Kraft when I forget to put something in there.

We take our showers at night to cut down on morning madness. (When I remember because oh you're not that dirty is a line I do use lol)

Breakfast consists of instant oatmeal and muffins (sue me).

I sleep on the couch when I'm to tired to move and I keep wine in this house PERIOD.

The answers I've been looking for on how to make this work are still being edited.. It's no right or wrong but, I want to express this to you all..

You're doing your best.. don't let anyone that is around you tell you different. If you feel overwhelmed call someone you trust and even seek professional help; I did. Actually just two days ago I was looked down on because I've seen a therapist to help me cope with the changes in my life. If I'm remembering correctly He called me Soft. My response to him was "So what".. So guard your heart and know that being a mother does not come with a How to do this perfectly guide. Make mistakes and try not to feel guilty along the way. The kids don't judge you till High school I think lol.

Stay Positive


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