He's Going to KILL you!
He’s going to kill you.
That was exactly what I heard LOUD and CLEAR as I laid in the bed tossing and turning next to my 1 year old baby girl. See previously that day even earlier that week… let’s be real for the last two years I’ve been asking God to please tell me why! Why is it not working? Why is this so hard? Why am I always fighting and crying? Why would you allow me to have children with a man so hateful? It’s the fact that He lets us choose that really throws me off. I complain a lot about not being able to hear God when He speaks to me.. I ask for a sign and then I ask for another sign.. and another.. and another.. ‘til finally He just yelled at me “HE’S GOING TO KILL YOU.”
If you’re reading this please understand this is not a cry for help or a bash fest, it’s just a reality check post.
When you first get into a relationship it’s always the best… I call that the Honeymoon Phase. It’s the most beautiful part where you get to just enjoy getting to know the secrets and flaws, the weaknesses and strengths and, you make plans for the future. You can’t see anything wrong or anyone else for that matter. What happens with me is I get stuck there. I’m a creature of routine and when I get used to something and you take it away I literally can’t deal. Now, I do know that people and times change. You grow up, you have children, your needs are different and that I found out the hard way (but that’s a different post).
So now that we know that there is a Honeymoon Phase and that things never stay the same.. how did we end up at “He’s going to kill you”? Like this:
After all of the changes and the babies and the ups and mostly downs someone stops loving and respecting the other person. Trust is lost and then you’re left with a shell of what used to be. The routine of the situation and the “holding on because it will get better” factor takes place and that sucks. You do what is easy and not what is right and that delays the growing process. In my case the fights got worse. He started to get sloppy (I found condoms in the car that only he and I drove, Naked pictures of other women, He was hanging with his Ex’s and they couldn’t wait to post that online for me to see, I found some texts from women who should be a thing of the past) and he was just trying to find the best way to let me go. Even though there is no nice way to say I really don’t love you anymore, it was what it was. When I heard those words “He’s going to kill you” that shook me. The reason being is because, I not only loved and wanted this person so badly but, he would never do that to me, Right?
Needless to say I didn’t listen so I cried a lot. He killed my happiness.
Then I started to get in trouble at work because I was depressed and not performing like I needed to. He was the reason for my calling off and, arguing in the back room because, I have to get him to hear me! Checks were short and bills were late.
He’s killing my finances.
Self-care became a thing of the past. All I had time to do was go to work, rush home to get the kids and dwell on the fact that things were so bad. My hair was always everywhere. I gave up on doing my make-up (which is my favorite thing in the world besides my kids and Drake). I didn’t take pride in myself and I had never felt so low and tacky. Now, I’m mad and ugly. He killed my shine.
So, now that I’m dusty lookin’, broke, and crying what could be next? Well, now he hits below the belt in arguments. My favorite ones “You’ll never find a Nigga like me,” “You’re so Stupid,” “You’re almost 30 and you can’t deal with life,” or even “My mama didn’t go see a therapist to deal with her kids.” I started to feel like he was right. I started to feel like he was the best thing out there for me and now he didn’t want me anymore, so I’m screwed. I have these children by two different men and I don’t want anyone new coming into the picture. I don’t want to go through this again. I hate opening up to people. I hate trusting. I hate everything about dating… I didn’t want to take pictures because: I looked just like I felt! He completely killed my confidence.
When you’re trying to have an adult conversation with someone who is always right, and you’re finding yourself taking all the blame and constantly apologizing. When you start to speak and even when you’re speaking rationally, just trying to get an understanding because you love them. Then somehow it always turns and you’re the bad guy. When you’re questioning yourself, your logic, your emotional and spiritual grit! (Oh yes, Gas Lighting is a thing and it’s a form of emotional abuse. Look it up.) I thought to myself for over a year: “If you want him back, if you want your family together, if you don’t want people to look at you like the statistic you are, you better not argue with him! You better not blow up! You better be perfect! You better be as sexy as possible, have as much sex as he wants and be as quiet as you can be! Think before you act because one little thing will ruin it.” It gets exhausting. It gets to a point where you can feel more like a door mat and punching bag then a woman. He killed my ability to fight.
Lastly, the time he tried to kill my morals.
Let me make myself clear, just because you share a history with a man or men, and just because you share children with them, that don’t mean that you owe them anything! That especially goes for sex. If you’re that person and you’re fine with being a toy to a man, by all means, do you. As for me, I’m worth way more than that. That was the lowest point for me. When I responded to his second request (after having giving in before due to HIM not wanting to feel weird with a new woman) with “You don’t even like me.” He said “So? What the F-- that gotta do with anything?” A ho is what I felt like.. That was it, I had hit rock bottom. You see this is the point in time I realized what God was warning me about. I sat down in the bathtub and it all hit me at once like a bus hitting a brick wall. I cried like a punk. No one will take my morals for a joke again.
While I’m getting weaker He’s getting stronger- He is now dating and introducing women to the children we share even the child we don't share. (he has no respect at all!)He can’t look me in the face, nor does he want to. Holding a conversation is like pulling teeth! So I’ve been shutting it out. With my daily routine kicking my butt, at this point I have to choose what’s more important to worry about. Let me tell you how SLOW this process is bruh! SLOOOOOOWWWWWWW!
I wish I could tell you that the ending was fab and my booty grew and my stomach was flat and that my edges were back.. however that’s a lie (lol). At this point I’m doing ok, though. I laugh loud and smile in almost every picture I take. I’ve gotten involved with extra-curricular activities and cleaning my house is what I’m currently trying to tackle. I understand that I allowed some of this to happen as long as it went on because I wanted this so bad and I’ve accepted my part in the fights. I try not to be angry with him and that is a job . I don’t blame him for being a man. He’s human, and I will never treat him how he treats me, but Courtney is no longer going to allow anyone to murder the very things that makes her who she is! Through this journey I’ve accepted defeat and realized that you can’t win a constant uphill battle.
So, if you’re experiencing anything similar to this experience.. know that you’re not alone.
Understand that you’re Beautiful enough, Strong enough, and that your Morals are important, so STICK TO THEM! You’re worth the wait. Sex is not used to control you. Lastly, learn to recognize a Gas Lighting situation as soon as you can. It can save you a bunch of emotional b.s.
I love you all..